Nobody gets through their life without hurt and wounded relationally. Im eighteen and i have to feel it in this age. Now, all i want is the way to find my old happiness, the happiness that didn’t show their shadow for long and to find my old soul or to be the new one – maybe the one who think that i do not deserve to feel happiness or someone who feels to just let go all this.
“Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war, and I don’t think I’m winning anymore.”
In this moment, i really dont know how to act like the old me – who can told everyone what i feel, to express what i feel. All i have now is to keep all this by myself, just accept all this because no one willing to hear all this. Sit in silence, trying to wrap my head around how i ever got so bad – thought that how worthless i am how useless i am for all when i tried to become better and the fault always turn to me.
The one of my dream when i come here was trying to create my new life. Try to find the happiness i lost. Having new friends and new routine here but still wonder why the feeling still can not change – wondering why their laugh make me cry, why i can not feel the same like them. Wishing to have life like them – the thing that not written for me, i think.
If i could choose between commit suicide or proceed the life, i know the death will be the choice instead of sitting in this situation and begging people for happiness.
“You smile, but you wanna cry. You talk, but you wanna be quiet. You pretend like you’re happy but you aren’t.”